To Gabriel

23 September 2025

i have had a lot of thinking to do over the 2 years since you passed. i've fought the guilt with denial; both in my own personal actions and in the fact that you're gone. to come to terms with my own existence and your disappearance, i had not yet done - until recently.

well fuck, why am i thinking of you all of a sudden?

to be completely blunt - i thought of you a lot, but i never gave it any real time before i distracted myself with something else. hell, when i first heard the news, i didn't feel anything. does that make me a monster? i thought so for a long time.

my lack of thought regarding your death accumulated in the form of guilt. as if i didn't already have enough of that as is, given that i had ditched you and ivan for a year+ prior to the event. i don't remember the vast majority of reasons why i ditched you and him, but i do remember one instance very vividly.

it was the day of your surprise birthday party that your sister was gonna throw for you. ivan said i should come. it would've been the last time i could get to see you, though i didn't know it at that time. i said i was going to go, no matter what. it would've been so fun.

but i didn't go.

i deemed meaningless acquaintances more important to hang out with instead of going to my best friend's birthday party.

you passed away from a seizure on christmas of 2023. your life ended. you died. but the guilt i had started accumulating prior to that point was now increasing exponentially. i remember the funeral, the "celebration of life," as your family called it. is it disrespectful to call it a funeral? i don't know.

the celebration of life was so fucking fitting. it was a cloudy day - your favorite weather. they catered chipotle, if i remember correctly - your favorite fast food. everyone was there. keiko, zach, and orion flew out just for it; your closest online friends i once considered distant and artificial. our fifth-grade teacher was there, mr. ramsey; the only teacher that gave you a chance to be your best, back in primary. your father was there; him being strong and stoic as ever until the ceremony began. your girlfriend, alyssa, was there; she was as strong as she could be. so many more people that i didn't even know you knew. i remember talking with your father, giving my condolences. i even got his number to reach out after the fact.

but i never did.

the words everyone had to share were beautiful, highlighting parts of you that i hadn't realized until the speeches were finished. i didn't realize how close you and keiko were. i didn't realize how much you helped everyone one else out at your own expense where you could. i didn't realize just how wonderful you were, until you were truly, utterly, and totally gone. i was thinking the entire time, all the great things i could say about you. i wanted so desperately to go on that amphitheatre and speak my heart out, about how much you meant to me.

but i couldn't do it.

the speeches ended, i think there was a silence. i just remember the cold air blowing through my jacket, all of the people now spread across the lawn of that beautiful park. i had tried to talk to zach, keiko, and orion. ivan and i didn't speak much beyond exchanging simple pleasantries.

then the ceremony ended, and they played a slideshow of all the photos of you doing various things with various people. i didn't feel anything. until i saw a photo with you and me in it, i think it was one of the times we went to play airsoft. that was the first real pang of guilt. you were gone. completely gone. the man who had shown me how to live.

but i shed no tears that day.

i lost the man i had in my life who showed me how to take life less serious. the man that showed me i didn't have to live up to my parents' expectations for my life. the man that showed me the one hobby i still consistently indulge in. the man that showed me how to talk to people when i was just a severely shy and meek boy. the man that gave me my first sexual dream. the man that i loved in a way that may have gone beyond brothers-in-arms.

wait, did i fall in love with you?

its a bit awkward to say. i'm not entirely sure what i felt back then. but i know for certain that there was a point in time where i had 'thoughts' about you in my dreams, doing things uninnocent. those were not one-time deals, they were reoccurring for a while. i remember i tried to 'prank' you into thinking i was a girl, way back in 4th grade or so. it doesn't help that i figured out my sexuality and gender identity as a pansexual woman. i think given the evidence that lies in my head, its more likely than not that you were unironically my bisexual/pansexual awakening.

that doesn't matter.

fact is, you're still gone. in the aftermath of the ceremony, i remember driving off listening to a simple piano piece. i don't remember the name. it all just started sinking in that you were gone and i felt like i abandoned you. i went straight home and took some time to reflect. i messaged keiko, orion, and ivan; ivan didn't respond. keiko and orion invited me back to the discord server where you and them played games. i tried to be active with them for a bit, tried to be there for them. but my actions were hollow and meaningless, and i don't think i really helped in the end.

it all became a haze after that.

i don't remember much between that time and the recent past. i think i was just doing school, playing games, and rotting away in my room. i felt guilt slowly pile up, but i brushed it off. i never cried for you, i never grieved. i just put it off. i thought about you sometimes, and i even left a message on your old discord account on the anniversary of your death. but i don't think it was productive. i think i ended up just venting to you about my life and how much it sucked blah blah blah. fucking stupid shit.

i moved on with my life, or at least i thought. i transitioned to being a girl last year and was busy with that in my mind. that and hunting for employment, trying to find love, and other-wise just kind of killing time. these activities bled into this year. until something clicked recently.

i had basically forgotten you.

i met a wonderful girl named december. she was really great. i wanted to be the best i could for her, but there was something in the way. a wall. it was you. this was only a few days ago as of writing. less than a week ago. i got out of my car for my japanese caligraphy class, folder in arm and purse on shoulder. i put in my earbuds and remembered about my favorite song from ed sheeran. autumn leaves. i put it on, then i started off to class. when i exited the elevator of the parking structure, i looked up as i walked. i saw the clouds, the blue sky piercing through. i remembered you, almost fully. it disturbed me. i remembered that i abandoned you. i went into class, and forgot once again. but as soon as i put the song on on my way back to the car, i stopped. fourth floor of the parking structure. i took a couple pulls of nicotine to take the edge off, but i looked at the sky, wondering if i'd see your face up there.

i almost remembered you.

i texted ivan to see where they ended up putting you to rest. you're in an urn at your sister's, by the way. i drove home. i had other things on my mind. i had december on my mind. she was going to visit later, and i had to get ready to make dinner for her.

i ignored you.

i got a response from ivan much later that day. he that i had to go through him; your family didn't seem to want to talk to me. i was curious, so i started looking a little deeper. your sister stopped posting about you roughly six months after the fact. your girlfriend of several years ended up marrying someone else within a year or so. i felt sad for you, that the world had forgotten you and moved on already. but december got there, and my thoughts wandered away from you once again.

the day after, december left for work. we had a weird night, looking back. i yearned for her so desperately, out of some sort of clinginess or some need for comfort. she came back briefly in the evening just for cheesecake and coffee. i was pissed that she wasn't going to stay here longer. i was being entitled. i went to drop off my friends at a party. the entitled feeling blowing up inside me in the form of frustration.

i wasn't even thinking of you.

but then i started thinking of you. i realized that i had truly, fully, and completely abandoned you. and so i brought you back in my mind. but it was painful. it was so fucking painful. the guilt that grew slowly in the back of my mind didn't fully materialize until that moment. i screamed in the car ride home. i yelled at the world. i got home. i sat in the car for a while. i thought longer and longer, until half an hour (? i don't remember the time frame) passed.

i broke.

i remembered everything so vividly for a moment. i missed you so badly, because i always turned to you for advice when you were alive. i realized that i might have actually loved you as more than a friend for at least a little bit. at the time i thought i wasn't going to be allowed to visit you, and i broke so fucking hard. i'd have to send you another discord message for this year instead. it made me suicidal, filled with guilt. guilty that i had hurt you and everyone around you so badly that i was barred from contacting them directly aside from ivan. guilty that i hadn't cried yet for you. guilty that i had watched the world move on without you without a second thought.

i recorded a note that i won't share with anyone ever. i was a mess. i just missed you so much all of a sudden. i finally started grieving you. but it didn't come without consequence.

i crashed out.

i started thinking i had to punish myself for abandoning you. i was contemplating doing something unspeakable to myself. i pushed that down at least, but i couldn't push away all the self-destructive thoughts. i opened my fridge. i grabbed four beers and two vodka seltzers. and i went to town, with an empty stomach. after the 2nd vodka seltzer, things became fuzzy.

i was dying without you.

the rest of the breakdown is something i don't remember fully. everything i say from here is second-hand. i started drunk texting quatro, then december. they called me and i was audibly fucked up. at a certain point, december became so concerned that she had quatro come to check on me. i said awful things. i said i wanted everyone around me to die, and for me to die as well. i said that to my best friend, quatro. i kicked and screamed and cried. i think i do remember reaching for another beer, but something grabbed me to stop. it gets really blurry at this point. at some point, december got here. she drove an hour, god knows how fast, just to make sure i was okay. i was still kicking and screaming and crying, but the majority of my anger was out, apparently.

i wish i could detail what december saw, since quatro had left out of respect for my drunken wishes. but she cut things off with me after the fact, so i can't really say anything else other than i had definitely talked to her about you and how i was unsatisfied with some things regarding her and i's relationship. i think she realized something. i really do wonder what i said; i wonder if i said anything about how i realized i had loved you. she carried me to my room and sat with me for a while. she took my gun and hid it and left a note.

december is a topic for another time, when it's more appropriate. there's more to dive into that, but as the future is uncertain regarding her, all i can say is she did everything she could.

but the aftermath regarding you was a full, sober, and harsh realization that i am the only one at fault and the only one who can make amends with myself. i've felt empty the past couple days. i realized how much i missed you and how much i felt that it was my fault you died. two years after the fact, and i've only just now begun the grieving process. hell, honestly? this entire website is basically because of you. because i want to tell the world you once lived in it.

i don't want to forget you. but i now think you'd want me to live. i can't wipe away the guilt or regret i feel, but i need to let go. it does no one any good for me to creating this suffering and misery. i need to move forward and learn to truly live without you. to manage the regret and guilt. and i'll do just that, because i know you would do the same if our places were swapped.

i must carry your memory in my heart for the rest of my days, because you would do the same.

i must take care of those around me, in the same manner as you did. because you would do the same.

i must heal and reckon with the past. because you would do the same.

I miss you, Gabriel. Thank you for having been my friend for nearly all my life. I hope you can forgive me for moving on now. I'll see you again some day, when it's finally my time to join you.

I love you, Gabe.